How to Pee in the Woods
by CeilidhWaley
Summary: This is a story for entertainment purposes only. A darker, more human side of what it might be like to actually find yourself in a different world. From hygiene to hysteria, what can one do when you are unexpectedly ripped from one life and thrown into another? Warning: Elves are not as noble as you might hope. And because this is FanFiction, be prepared for some lovin'.
1. I Should Have Stayed Home Tonight

I would like to send out a fair warning about this story. It will not be true to books or character that was set out by Tolkien. The characters are for entertainment purposes only. If you are a purest, read no further! But if you have a guilty pleasure for reading anything about Elves, read on! There will be swearing and drinking, and probably detailed descriptions of bodily functions, and of course, sex. You've been warned!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Lord of the Rings.

When one is thrown unexpectedly into a situation that one has absolutely no control over, one must adapt to survive. When Audrey is thrown into such a situation after a night out with her friends, she did what any respectable mid twenties lady would do. She swore. A lot.

"Well fuck", Audrey sighed and looked up at the trees. She had been lost for the better part of an hour. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck." What she couldn't figure out was the fact that she often took this short cut through the part after a night out at a bar with her friends. It was a relatively safe neighbourhood that she had been living in for the past few years while attending university, and she had never had any problems before. Its not like it was that big.

"Im preeeetty sure thats the same tree". Letting out an over dramatic sigh, she plopped down next to the tree and ripped her heels off. Five inch stilettos weren't exactly the most favourable foot wear for an impromptu nature walk. She was starting to sober and the reality of the situation was beginning to sink in. She looked around and realized how utterly dark it had gotten, how cold she was getting because she had stopped moving. And finally, how completely alone she was.

Audrey rummaged through her bag and found her cell phone, holding it up she got no signal. "Fuck", she whispered. _Okay, think about this logically. You always come this way, WHAT DID I DO DIFFERENT? Maybe I was drugged at the bar and have actually been lost for days and Im just coming to! _She looked at her phone again. It was still keeping time. "Huh, okay, probably not drugged."

Then she started to cry. This was not suppose to happen. She hugged her knees to her chest, pulling her small dress as far down as it would go in an attempt to ward off the creeping cold. Luckily it was a warm summer night. She looked up and saw that it was now overcast, and was getting nearly impossible to see anything. Laying down on her side, sobbing, exhaustion came and she dozed on and off, but the sounds of the forest woke her multiple times from an already uneasy sleep.

After an excruciating night, the wood started to lighten, but the fog was thick and provided nothing to see beyond. She contemplated what to do next. To continue to move or to stay in one place. All her instincts told her she should probably stay where she was, but moving might keep her warm.

Slowly getting up she made an obvious mess at the tree, she left some old receipts from her bag in hopes that if anyone came by they might realize there was someone out here. Stumbling on, she started wandering barefoot through the forest.

When it had started to rain, she took cover under a large tree, and often put her hands out to drink the rain water. But hunger was setting in and so was her hangover. Miserable, alone, tired beyond fear, she sat down under the tree, defeated. She stayed there that night again. Having no will to continue on. The night was brutal and fitful. The rain stopped overnight and the clouds cleared. She awoke shivering and looked up, searching to recognize the stars in an attempt to see something, anything, familiar. There was nothing, not that her knowledge was that extensive, but not even the big dipper was to be found.

She buried herself deeper into the fallen leaves, not caring what creepy crawlies were there, in an attempt to get warm. She tried to ignore the sounds of the night, but this time, there was definitely something out there. She had a very bad feeling about it.

Light came again, which made her feel slightly better. But things were getting worse for her physically. She was so hungry she was almost delusional, her pee was starting to burn, her feet were sore and scratched, she went from shivering to fevers and mentally she was lost.

Audrey stopped. Something really really didn't feel right. The woods had gone extremely quite. She looked around nervously and clutched her bag to her chest, along with her shoes which she has been carrying as some connection to her humanity. Backing herself into a tree, she looked around with wild eyes. Then, she saw it. Something was coming towards her from between the trees. Her mind couldn't even fathom at first what she was seeing. A giant spider was moving in quick bursts from tree to tree. Audrey slowly sank down and squeezed her eyes shut in hopes of the spider just disappearing.

_Oh, my god. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. _She chanted over and over in her head. There is no way. No way. Opening her eyes again, she was not prepared for the spider to be right in front of her face. Its large black eyes staring at her, and if Audrey didn't know any better she would say that the spider was just as confused to see her as she was to see it. A few seconds passed where they just stared at each other, all of a sudden the spider was reaching up one hairy leg to strike her. And Audrey, with some previously unknown instinct of survival, reacted by hitting the spider directly in the eye with the heel of her stiletto which she was still clutching in her hand.

The spider reeled back and hissed, clawing at the ground. Audrey wasted no time, and simply bolted. She dropped all she was holding and ran. Ignoring the pain in her feet and the branches whipping at her face. She could still hear the awful noises that _thing _was making.

Despite her desperate attempt at flight, Audrey tripped and fell, landing on her stomach. Rolling over she started to shuffle backwards as she noticed the spider had caught up and was coming towards her quickly. It was clicking and hissing and then there was another. And another. They formed a circle around her and were all making horrifying noises, and it almost seemed as if they were communicating with each other.

Having no idea what possessed her, Audrey started talking to them. Maybe they just needed a soft voice. _Yeah right, like they'll understand what you're saying. _

"Guys, look, I didn't mean to hurt you. Im scared just like you. Im really sorry, I just want to go on my way..." As soon as she opened her mouth, all the spiders ceased their noises and were staring at her with such disturbing faces that her words died on her lips. The spider that she stabbed slowly started to come towards her and Audrey threw up her hands in front of her face, and was rocking slightly back and forth.

"Im so sorry, Im sorry. I just want to go home. Please, I don't want to die!" She was whispering to herself, but in her heart she knew this was probably it. She braised herself, waiting for an impact that never came. Just then she started hearing a huge commotion. She looked up and the spider was right next to her but looking away and hissing. There was chaos about her. Strange things moving so quickly Audrey found them hard to follow. The spiders were scurrying away in confusion and fear. Audrey took the opportunity and started crawling away on her hands and knees and hid behind a tree. Peeking out, her she got a better look at what was going on. The things were actually people. They had bows and knives and were attacking the spiders. If Audrey was in any kind of right mind, it might have been amazing to watch. But at the moment she could hardly fathom which way was up.

A spiders body came flying at the tree she was hiding behind, and Audrey quickly ducked back, and curled once again into a fetal position. After a few seconds, or maybe it was minutes. No sounds were heard. Audrey tentatively lifted her head and got back on all fours and peeked around the tree. Only to be met with the tip of an arrow in her face.

She followed the tip along the shaft to a hand that was holding the string back, looking further she found a face. The face spoke in some language that she couldn't even begin to understand. She looked at him, yes it was a him, but with long blonde hair. It was such a pretty face, it was disappointing that he had such a foul look.

"I-I'm sorry", she stuttered, "I have no idea what you're saying". Glancing around she realized there were quite a few of these men pointing arrows at her.

Another one of them came walking towards her and stood by the first man, looking at her with narrowed eyes.

"My companion has asked, what exactly you think you are doing in these woods, so close to the Palace at that, in naught but your skin." His voice was hard, just strangely comforting? Audrey did not feel fear despite the mass amounts of deadly weapons ready to kill her at a moments notice.

She opened and closed her mouth in answer. She fell back on her butt and put up her hands. "I am so, so lost" She said, looking at him pleadingly. Mental and physical exhaustion struck her, these were the first people she had seen in days. "Please", she whispered. His face seemed to soften, and with a quiet words all the bows were lowered except one. Beyond all shame, Audrey gave up and simply started crying. She was so confused and tired. She wiped her dirty face with her dirty hands and sobbed. Ugly sobs with no hope or reason in them.

Legolas looked upon the girl with pity. Never before had he seen a child of man look so utterly hopeless and desolate. His heart ached at the sight of her, yet his suspicion was stronger. These were dark times, and she was so completely out of place and foreign here that he could not help but feel doubt about her.

Coming down to his knees next to her, he reached out to take her hands away from her face, so that he may look into her eyes. One of his guard said something in warning but he shushed them. She stopped crying when she realized he was touching her, and gently pulled on her wrists and was at first met with slight resistance, but then they came away and went limp. He let them go and they fell at her side. Her face was down and he moved two fingers under her chin to catch her eyes. Eventually he did, and he could see her utter confusion, and even fear.

"Get a blindfold", he said in his own tongue, to his guardsmen. She looked up at him quickly, and he reached out and put his hands under her arms to help her up. She stumbled to her feet and then simply fainted. Caught by surprise, Legolas reacted and caught her.

"I suppose we shall not need a blindfold after all", he said, looking down at the girl now in his arms. A few elves chuckled at this.


	2. Chapter 2

Audrey awoke with a start. It was the kind of wakening that you experience after a night of heavy drinking. No remembrance of actually falling asleep, a few brief moments before any real memories come back to you. But before she had a chance to remember anything, her headache hit instead. Groaning she squeezed her eyes shut again and rolled from her stomach to her back. Rubbing her hands over her face, she looked up. She couldn't see much, as the room she was in was mostly dark. She glanced to the side looking for a clock, but saw nothing. Just what appeared to be a wall through the darkness. Not even a bedside table.

She sat up slowly. The bed was soft, and unfamiliar. She looked around, the room was small, with no windows. Audrey was starting to remember small bits. Being lost in the woods, the nightmarish spiders...men? Men talking to her?

Gah! She ran her hands through her hair. Why wasn't she at home? Where was this?! A hotel? Did she hook up the night before and not remember?

No.

No. Things, very real things were coming back to her now and she started to panic again. Throwing the covers off she went to step on the floor and immediately fell down. Both her legs were asleep.

"What the fuuuuuck", she mumbled, and just lay on the cool floor for a few minutes to gather her thoughts.

_Alright, let me think this out. Got lost in the woods, drunk. Attacked. Wake up in mysterious, yet comfortable bed. At least I'm not in jail. Or dead. _

Her second attempt at standing proved more fruitful and she made her way over to the door. And went to turn the ornate handle, or rather tried to.

Locked. _Great. _

Sighing she leaned her head against the door than turned around and slowly sank to the ground. Looking around the room she took in a small table off to one corner that had an ornate looking lamp on it. It was strange, because it did not appear to have a light bulb, or plugged into anything, but was exuding a soft glow. _Not a candle either. _

There was a chair also, and that was about it. She stood up again, and glanced down. She was in some kind of floor length dress that was fitted but very simple and the fabric reminded her of the sheets of the bed.

Turning around again, she tried the door handle one more time, then raised her hand to bang on it when all of a sudden the door flew open sending her stumbling backwards where she promptly fell back on the bed.

"Ah yes, Amrod told me you had awoken", a voice said in front of her. She sat up and took in the sight before her. Some tall blonde man was standing right in front of her with his arms crossed and a slight smirk on his face. She didn't really know what to say, so she stayed silent. As did he.

They regarded each other, and to Audrey things were getting extremely awkward, but he just continued to smirk.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. Feeling her cheeks burn with embarrassment, she managed to choke out after a slight cough, "Uh, this may be a stupid question, but where am I...?".

He narrowed his eyes and regarded her coolly, "You are in a part of the dungeons in the Palace of the Woodland Realm. Does that comfort you?".

_Oh, so I am in jail. Lovely. _

"Did I do something wrong?", she meekly asked.

"Trespassing", he replied stonily.

"Er, oh. Sorry about that. I think I just got really lost. Uh, do, you know where my things are? My phone? I could call someone to come get me...", she said, softly.

He looked at her with confusion plain on his face. For his part, Legolas had not known what to expect when he came down to talk to the prisoner, but her strange words were confusing and intriguing him even more.

"Lost? You got lost? In the middle of a wood that takes days to journey across. But of course. Riddle me this, lady. Why would one such as yourself be wandering alone, poorly prepared and close to death? Were you kidnapped? Attacked? Running from something, perhaps?" He had not uncrossed his arms, and his tone was unkind. Almost as if he didn't believe her. _Fuck off dude, I don't know what else to say! _She thought grimly to herself.

The darkness that had been slowly creeping into Mirkwood was not going unnoticed and unchecked by any elf. Her strangeness made Legolas weary. A beautiful face could often hide the most hideous secrets.

Audrey was very very confused. Again. So she started explaining herself, and in her nervousness she began talking quickly.

"I was out with my friends, we had gone to a bar downtown. It was late, I was walking home. I usually walk home the same way every time. I don't know what happened. I was drunk, yeah, but not _that _bad. I think I would remember going to somewhere completely unknown, not that I ever would. I was texting my friends the whole time! I always do...", She looked down and sighed, as her words came out they really made her sound hopeless and pathetic.

"What is your name, and where are you from? And I will ask you again, _to what purpose do you cross these woods so ill prepared? _I will know if you lie", he bent his head down to her level as he said this. He was uncomfortably close. Audrey shifted slightly backwards. She was so uncomfortable.

"My name is Audrey Wilde, I'm from a small town in New Hampshire, and I go to UNH. I told you, please I was just walking home...I'm sorry." How many times was she going to apologize to this prick? Her head was pounding as she could hardly form a coherent thought. She started jumping to conclusions in her mind. Wild ideas about being kidnapped and drugged. And, oh god!, those horrible spiders. Audrey felt like she was in some kind of horror movie.

_Ah! Too much! Too much! Fuck, this is so messed up! Daaaaaaad, oh god, mom. Where are you guys? _She didn't realize it, but she was crying again. Her head in her hands.

"I do not know of these places you speak. But I will look at a map. I do believe you, lady. And I sympathize with your plight. But I fear my father will be less forgiving. You have been asleep for two days. When we found you, you were suffering from severe dehydration and exposure to the elements. My guard and myself carried you here to the palace, where you have been attended during your recovery. Now that you are awake though, I would advise you that if you do not speak wise, rest and comfort will not find you. I will send for food and a healer, and myself will return to you tomorrow." Legolas felt pity rise in him at her weeping form, and quickly he strode from the room. Closing and locking the door behind him.

He spoke to Amrod, whom guarded the door, "No one goes in save for Malgelir, until I return." With that Legolas went off in search of his promises, and his father.

_Father will certainly not be pleased. _He mused to himself silently. King Thranduil was a hard and suspicious elf. He did not suffer trespassers lightly and would not be pleased with a child of man entering his halls. But one could tell by looking at the poor creature that she could hardly do any harm, at least for the moment. After sending the healer with food to the women, Legolas happened upon his father.

"My lord", begun Legolas, "As I am sure Amrod has already filled you in...", his words fell away as Thranduil stood up and walked towards him.

"A rather interesting treasure you returned with, Legolas. Indeed quite more fair than that of a spider." Murmured Thranduil.

"She is not a threat", Legolas concluded. "I sense no evil about her. Only fear and confusion."

"Yes, I sense this as well. But her coming weighs heavy on my heart. I fear that her presence, and _acquisition,_ will stir many feelings among our people." Replied Thranduil. "Perhaps we shall allow her a few more days down there, and have her taken to the men of Laketown."

Legolas hesitated to agree. He greatly wished to keep her here. She intrigued him. Completely unknown, strange even. She was not just a mere mortal, that much was clear. Her very air was not of this world, and it drew him in. The attraction confused and excited him, it had been a long time since he had felt so curious, especially about another person.

Thranduil gazed at his son, his pensive face, and knew that Legolas had other ideas for the woman, "You wish her to remain her, Legolas? Amongst a strange and foreign folk, perhaps against her will? What if she is from the lake men initially?"

"I would keep her here yes, for a while. She has mentioned places that I have never heard of in Middle-earth. She speaks strangely, almost as though she herself is confronted with a mystery.", Legolas replied.

"My dear child, your interest piques mine. She can remain, for your curiosity. But know this: you will take full responsibility for her from now on. Any consequences she might bring, will fall to you. Understood?", Thranduil said.

Legolas replied, "I accept this responsibility, though I deem it unnecessary. Father." Legolas bowed slightly and turned to walk away.

"Oh, and Legolas", Thranduil called after him, at which Legolas stopped and turned his head slightly in an act of listening, "Do not enter this game until you know the rules. Mortals can be...unpredictable." He finished. Legolas smirked slightly, and continued on his way.


End file.
